


This Little Light Of Mine

by iamtheoneinthehole



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Unconventional Angel AU, angel au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 05:44:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1971141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamtheoneinthehole/pseuds/iamtheoneinthehole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompted by kingryan-risenfromtheashes: AHOT6 Angel AU where Ryan is an angel that is assigned to the guys, but he falls in love with them and in turn falls from grace.</p>
<p>The first thing James ever felt was the rush of a million energies tied to his…</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Little Light Of Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I might’ve taken a few artistic liberties with this one and gone down a less conventional route in terms of Ryan’s angelic status (the nature of which should become clear pretty early on in the fic). Hope you all enjoy!

The first thing James ever felt was the rush of a million energies tied to his.

Souls both born and unborn, each burning with a brilliant light that’d almost blinded him at first… And then there’d been a gentle hand on his shoulder, and the lights had dimmed as a warm voice explained that these lights, these souls, were his. His charges. The ones that _he_ was responsible for.

Which had sounded nice when the voice had said it. He imagined shielding these lights from the darker edges of the space they inhabited, protecting them, keeping them safe. He imagined himself as their protector, comforter, guardian. He imagined they’d love him with the same familial love he found himself bearing them and that one day, when the final sun had faded from their tiny skies, those lights would join him in this realm where there was no darkness.

No one had bothered to correct him.

No one had bothered to explain that his responsibilities didn’t involve shielding, protection, guarding. That in reality he, in fact, incapable of performing any of those tasks. No one had bothered to warn him that when he did finally meet the first of those lights that’d been bound to his core, he would be greeted not with love, but fear, revulsion, hatred.

He hadn’t understood why, because no one had bothered to explain to him what his true role was. And when he’d first reached out to take that first little light to the realm where there was no darkness, it’d screamed and writhed and fought to the point that James had barely managed to save it and bring it home.

He hadn’t understood the significance of the action back then. How could he, he’d barely been a child in the eyes of the universe. He’d known nothing of the effect his touch had wrought, the world he’d torn that light away from, even with the best of intentions. And he’d been utterly oblivious to the effects that transition would bring about. For suddenly the light vanished.

James hadn’t been able to understand why. He’d screamed, pleaded and begged with the voice from before to bring the light back. He hadn’t understood why the voice ignored him. Not until another voice had answered for him.

The light had passed on, it said, to its second life and James had done a very good job guiding it there. Because that, as it turned out, was James’ responsibility. To guide each of his lights to their second life by tearing them from their first.

James’ duty was not to preserve each light, but to extinguish it, until the day that he too fell into darkness.

\----

Spark number three million two hundred thousand and two. He’d never once lost count of them, never forgot a light once it’d faded, or the face it’d lingered behind until then.

At least he’d gotten a little better with his pitch over the years, patient and persuasive instead of forceful and foolhardy… then again, it wasn’t as if he’d ever received training for this, was it? All things considered, he didn’t think he’d turned out to be too awful at his assigned role.

“Are you an angel?” He could imagine why she thought so. He’d long since perfected the appearance of the fluffy wings and halos people expected of him, the shroud of white light filling every corner of the room and bathing it in a ‘heavenly’ glow. Of course he’d never know for certain how accurate it was. _He_ wasn’t one of the lights who got to pass on and experience it.

But this woman was, and any comfort he could offer her in her final moments within this realm, he gladly would, “Something like that.”

“Why are you here?”

“I think you know why.” She nodded after a moment, shakily but not aggressive at least. No denial, no anger and surprisingly little fear. He couldn’t quite help the rush of pride that rose within him like that. So many of those little lights bound to him were so strong now. Who knew, perhaps one day they’d even be strong enough to send him away when he came for them. To continue shining in spite of the voice’s orders… it was probably an impossibility but, it was still a nice thought to indulge in, from time to time.

“Cancer. Left lung… I thought I’d have longer than this.” His comforting expression almost faltered at that, the familiar sense of hatred towards the voice that’d set him on this path surging up as a part of him lamented over the injustice of this situation. No one, more than him, wanted to give this woman that little bit longer and yet it was his _duty_ to ensure that wasn’t the case.

“I’m told you’ll have a lot longer in the next life.”

“Would it be possible to… have maybe five minutes to say goodbye?” James hesitated for a moment, knowing that he _shouldn’t_ delay the inevitable any longer than was necessary to convince her but… he could sense another two lights within the house. Not _his_ lights, but even so, he could sense them. Sense how fragile and small the second one was, how fresh...

“Five is the most I can give you. Be quick.” He quickly slipped out of the building, leaving the woman to her final farewells as he quickly checked on the status of his other lights. All still stable, still whole. Good. He wasn’t sure he could deal with taking another so soon after this one. He could already tell she would struggle with the transition, not through any vindictiveness of her own, but out of the need to stay with those she left behind. Hopefully she’d be at peace soon though, in the place all lights went when they became extinguished.

He sighed, relaxing against the steps to the woman’s house as he allowed himself to drop the facade a little, white light and fluffy wings melting away into familiar darkness. He hadn’t even realized he was being watched until he looked up, eyes meeting a young boy’s as he openly gaped down at him from a nearby window.

_He could see him._

One of his lights then, it had to be. Though still a long way off the day that he and James were meant to meet if the healthy burning glow he could sense was anything to go by… so why was he here? And more importantly, why was he staring at James as if he was something incredible to behold?

He never got the chance to find out as moments later he felt the woman’s light approaching, his focus immediately shifting back to the pulling back up the ‘angelic’ facade he’d been wearing earlier. By the time he got the chance to look back at the window, just moments before he carried away this woman’s light, the child was gone.

\----

He hadn’t expected to see the child again so soon after that, not when he clearly had a long life ahead of him yet but… as it turned out, he seemed to keep close company with many of those who were a little less lucky.

He was there when James came for the little girl who’d collided with the school bus. He was there when an elderly relative passed. He wasn’t always present when James came to collect the lights, far from that, but he was there enough for him to notice. And to grow concerned because of it. After all, it wasn’t as if he’d be the only little light to catch a glimpse of death, only to attempt to court it too soon.

And so he’d attempted to throw the kid off, checking for his familiar light before he’d approach his intended target. Yet somehow, the child had an uncanny knack of being there whenever he collected the lights from this part of the world, which was an impressive feat in itself, and managing to sneak up on James, which he’d previously believed impossible for something which burned so bright.

The child never approached him though, simply watching with that same awed look he’d seen on his features the first time they’d met.

Of course, it was probably better that way. James wasn’t entirely sure, after all, what the effect would be if he made contact with one of the lights too soon. Would it extinguish then? Would it hurt the light? Or would it be no different to any other being’s touch?

The risk of the former two was far from worth the rewards of the latter so he continued attempts to keep his distance, and tried not to grow too concerned as they were continually thwarted.

\----

“Are you an angel?” This was the part of his duty that he despised the most. Looking into a pair of wide, far too innocent, eyes. Seeing the life there, the untempered hope and belief in the world around them, and knowing it was his job to silence it.

“Yes I am.”

“What’s your name?”

“James.”

“My daddy’s called James too!” Her eyes lit up like she’d just made a huge revelation of some kind that she had to share with him that very second, “You two should meet each other. I bet you’d be best friends!” Somehow, he sincerely doubted that.

“Maybe we will be one day.” He couldn’t tell her why though. His job was to guide and comfort, not to distress. It seemed to have done the trick at least as she settled down a little after that.

“If you’re an angel, does that mean you know mommy?” He swallowed down the lump in his throat, forcing himself to nod, and then to ignore the guilt that surfaced as the barefaced lie was met with a wide happy grin. She wasn’t even old enough yet to recognise when someone was lying to her… this wasn’t fair dammit, “Do you think maybe… you could say hi to her for me?”

“How about you say hi to her yourself?” She stared at him for a moment, obvious shock crossing her features before the words seemed to hit and then suddenly she was bounding across the room and hugging him. It’d been pretty easy after that to talk her into coming with him, her light relaxed and contented as he guided it on to it’s second life…

Afterwards though, as he’d drifted back to their world, he’d felt even more drained from that than he was from the lights that struggled. Because at least _they_ understood what was happening to them in those final moments. That poor little girl had just been excited about seeing her mother.

“You okay?” He started slightly at the unfamiliar voice, whirling around on the newcomer only to come face to face with a young boy whose face was all too recognisable at this point.

“I’m fine.” James tried to make his tone as foreboding as possible, in the hopes that maybe he’d managed to _finally_ drive this kid away but… if anything, it just seemed to amplify his concern as he took a seat beside him in the grass.

“That’s what grownups always say when they’re lying. You’re not okay though, are you?” He didn’t really know what to say to that, “You don’t have to say why if you don’t want though, I won’t make you… I’m Geoff.”

“James.” He offered after a moment’s hesitation, surprised by the way the kid’s nose wrinkled up in response.

“James doesn’t sound right.”

“It doesn’t?”

“It’s not cool enough. James is Mr Woods’ name and you’re definitely cooler than him.” He stared at the kid a little incredulously at that because… how was _that_ an authority upon which to base naming something. Then again, he _was_ just a kid and, in a way, it was almost strangely endearing how much he seemed to care about something so trivial.

“So what _should_ my name be?” Geoff seemed to mull this over, one of his feet idly dragging through the mud as he sifted through prospective names.

“...I dunno. Not James though.”

“Why do you care so much about my name anyway?”

“Well you’re my friend aren’t you? Friends are meant to have cool names.”

“Your friend?”

“Unless you don’t want to be friends.” For all his experience in dealing with them, James had never quite learned how to say no to the wide eyed manipulation of children.

“Of course I do. I was just… surprised, that’s all.”

“Surprised?”

“Not a lot of people want to be friends with someone like me.” Geoff frowned deeply at that, his eyes filled with a concern that James honestly didn’t feel like he deserved, especially from a light he’d one day be tasked with the duty of putting out.

“Is that why you’re sad then?” Honestly, it barely scraped the surface but… it wasn’t entirely a lie either. He hadn’t, after all, quite forgotten the naive dreams he’d had in his youth of bonding with the lights he guided.

“I guess so.”

“Well now we’re friends so you don’t have to be. Anyone who doesn’t want to be your friend is dumb anyways. You’re really cool.”

“Cool?”

“Yeah you have those huge wings and I’ve seen you. You take care of people.” The kid must’ve seen the flash of guilt that crossed his features there because he immediately added, “You do. You find all the saddest, most loneliest people and you make them feel better. And then they start glowing and stop being sad. You take care of them.” He felt a pang in his chest at that description, the desire to correct him only just overpowered by the knowledge of how young he still was. He was innocent, let him stay that way for a little longer.

“I try.” He finally admitted.

“You’ll take care of me too one day. That’s why I can see you right?” Forget a pang, his chest was in knots at this point as James forced himself not to correct him.

“Yeah. Yeah it is.”

“See. That’s cool!” The kid nodded to himself, as if he’d just proved his point undebatably, before shifting a little closer to James’ wings, “Can you fly with them?”

“Sort of. They’re mostly for steering but… yeah, I can fly.”

“So cool.” James smiled a little at that, only just catching himself in time and pulling his wings from Geoff’s reach as the kid subtly inched that little bit closer, “Can I-”

“No- I mean, it’s best if you don’t. They’re kind of fragile.”

“Oh okay.” The kid pulled his hands away sheepishly, offering James a guilty smile which he knew was probably his form of an apology. He was about to tell him it was okay when he felt another light begin to flicker somewhere a little east of where they were.

“I have to go.”

“Is this because I-”

“No it’s… it’s because there’s someone I need to take care of.”

Geoff’s eyes lit up in understanding at that, “Okay. You’ll come back after though right?”

“I’ll try.” He shouldn’t. Encouraging an interest, let alone a friendship, with death wasn’t exactly healthy, especially for a child but… for some reason, perhaps simply because of the fact that Geoff had tried to comfort him, perhaps because he was just a kid and James had never learned how to say no to them, perhaps simply because he was tired of being alone… he strongly suspected he really would attempt to keep his word this time.

\----

James didn’t mean for the talks between him and Geoff to become habit, really he didn’t… But when the kid was already borderline stalking him anyway? It became surprisingly easy for the two of them to fall into a pattern of ‘chance meetings’ or ‘coincidental bumping into each others’.

Not literally of course. James _still_ wasn’t entirely sure what the consequences of that would be and the thought of extinguishing _any_ of his lights prematurely by accident, especially this one, was something practically unbearable. Geoff, thankfully, didn’t seem to mind the distance he always kept between them too much. He had other friends he could be tactile with, ones that didn’t have the potential to accidentally kill him if he got too close.

Mostly, he just seemed to be grateful that James had finally stopped running away from him at every opportunity he got.

“We were meant to write something at school today.”

“Yeah?”

“About our best friend.”

“So you wrote about Gus?” A name he’d heard thrown about a lot lately. Thankfully not one of the lights he bore, since he doubted Geoff would think he was _quite_ as cool if he wound up guiding his friend on to the second life, and frankly one kid that seemed stubbornly insistent upon keeping him company was enough anyway.

Not that he didn’t appreciate Geoff’s company, he’d long since passed the point of no return when it came to even _pretending_ that was the case, but having one less kid take an interest in the source of their ultimate demise was still nothing but a good thing in James’ book.

“Nope.”

“Griffon then?” The girl who Geoff seemed to have developed his first crush on.

“Nah.”

“...I’m out of guesses.” Geoff rolled his eyes at that before proudly thrusting the sheet of paper in his hand in James’ face.

“It’s you.”

“Me?” He stared at the kid for a moment, not for the first time in their ‘friendship’ at a loss for words. Geoff just seemed to have a knack for getting under his skin like that.

“Yeah. I mean Gus is cool and all but... he’s not as cool as you.” James smiled softly at that, his gaze moving from Geoff’s expectant one to the sheet he held out, beginning to read and enjoying the boy’s impressive descriptive work for a kid his age until...

“You really called me no-name in this?”

“Yup.”

“We’ve been through this before Geoff, my name is James.”

“Only until I come up with a better one.”

“You’re ridiculously stubborn, you know that?” The kid just grinned at that, before quickly directing his attention back to the sheet of paper. It was actually pretty good, even if the crayon drawing of them holding hands in the bottom corner of the page sent a pang of regret coursing through him at the thought of the action’s impossibility in real life.

And if he ended up taking that sheet of paper with him when he left, and keeping it in his own little corner of the realm where there was no darkness? Well no one dared to comment on it. They’d long since learned, from the first ill-fated joke about his friendship with the eight year old, to steer clear of the whole ordeal.

\----

It was almost worrying how quickly the kid seemed to grow up though.

Initially he’d actually been convinced that it was a result of an increased amount of time spent in proximity to James, that being near the source of his ultimate demise was somehow speeding up the process but… apparently, according to Burnie (since he hadn’t gone by Michael for years. No one knew why but sometimes James couldn’t help but wonder if he’d had his own Geoff to tell him his name wasn’t cool enough) humans just had tiny lifespans.

Which was perhaps even more alarming to realize because, had it been his company doing this, he could’ve just visited him a little less, perhaps even stopped the visits altogether. It wouldn’t have been easy, that much was undeniable, but if it kept Geoff around for a little longer surely that made it worth it.

This way though, Geoff’s life was all too short, to the point where James could practically feel every precious second slipping by whenever they spent time together.

\----

“What are those?” James’ eyes flickered over to where Geoff was gesturing to the patterns of light dancing across his skin.

“They’re lights… not like the ones you’re used to. They’re sort of like a bond, linking me to the people I’m meant to take care of one day.”

“Like me?” James nodded, “Which one’s mine then?”

“What do you me-”

“Which light’s mine?”

“I never thought to look.” He admitted somewhat sheepishly after a moment, to Geoff’s obvious disappointment given the slight pout that came to the kid’s lips in response.

“Can you try?”

“I guess I can.” He closed his eyes, focusing in on the little lights that bound him to countless souls, forcing himself to focus in on the one in front of him in particular until he finally managed to locate it, right in the centre of his palm, “This one.” He held out his hand to show him, hoping that Geoff wouldn’t try to touch the bright light burning there in the centre of it. There were a cluster of others surrounding it but Geoff’s, by far, shone the brightest.

“So that’s me?”

“Sort of. That’s my link to you.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah,” He murmured softly as he watched an awed sort of reverence overtake Geoff’s features, “I guess it is.”

\----

“Do the lights glow brighter when people need you?” Was a surprising question to be greeted with when he came to visit on Geoff’s twelfth birthday.

“Honestly, I’ve never really checked.”

“One of them usually lights up right before you go.”

“Probably then.”

“Do you think any of them will light up today?”

“Nah.” He hoped not. Geoff must’ve been getting better at reading him too given the raised eyebrow his answer received as he led James towards a nearby park he liked to frequent, “Happy Birthday by the way.”

“If you’re gonna sing the song, I’m leaving you for Gus.” James laughed a little at that.

“Not even once?”

“Nope.”

“But Geoff, I’ve been reliably informed it’s a birthday tradition.”

“My nine year old self is not a reliable source.”

“So nothing’s changed in the last three years then.” Geoff stuck his tongue out in response to that, as if to further prove James’ point, before moving to settle himself into one of the swings, legs kicking back and forth idly, “I brought you a present.” That got his immediate attention, head snapping to face him in a way that was somewhere between comical and concerning. Perhaps both at once.

Either way though, he moved closer, carefully setting the box at the foot of the swing set for Geoff to collect, the two of them having long since gone through the ‘no contact’ rule. The kid had clearly thought it was ridiculous, but had thus far been kind enough to indulge his ‘whims’ with James having to fully explain his reasoning and, for that, he was eternally grateful.

Moments later and Geoff was hopping down from the swings, the box lid sent flying around the park as he reached in to take hold of a picture frame, eyes widening a fraction when he caught sight of the image inside.

“You um said once that you wanted to know what the realm where there is no darkness looked like and… well cameras don’t work so great so this was the best I could-”

“Thank you.” The kid had barely glanced up from the painting, clearly captivated by the swirls of light and color he’d done his best to recreate on the page.

“No problem.” He’d also gotten him a huge bar of chocolate which had eventually drawn Geoff’s focus away from the painting, but all the same, the next time he’d seen the kid, Geoff had proudly informed him that the painting now had pride of place in his bedroom so he guessed he couldn’t have done too badly.

\----

“You know what? I think I figured out a new name for you.”

“We’re still lingering over the name thing?”

“James just doesn’t suit you man.”

“So it’s not ‘uncool’ anymore then.”

“Hey I was about eight when I said that dude. It’s not even remotely fair for you to hold that against me.” James raised his hands in mock defeat, a bemused grin turning up the corners of his lips.

“So what is it then?”

“What?”

“The name you thought of.” There was a slight pause, as if Geoff was building up to something and then...

“Ryan.”

“Ryan?”

“Yeah I mean… I hear there’s this new airline called Ryanair and I figure since you’ve got wings and all it was kind of fitting-”

“I like it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” They shared a grin for a long moment before Geoff seemed to realize he was being ‘sappy’, as his other friends chose to term it, and snap out of it.

“Good man, it was getting awkward having to hang out with a guy who had no name.”

“Whose fault was that?”

“And frankly at this point in your life it’s embarrassing _not_ to have one.”

“At least my name wasn’t Geoff.”

“Hey! What’s wrong with Geoff?”

“Well, I did know a teacher once called Geoff.” He offered up in a mock tone of regret.

“I thought we said we were letting that go.”

“Technically, I never agreed to anything.”

“You’re such a piece of shit Ryan.”

“Hey, you chose to hang out with nameless me all this time.”

“Yeah, guess I did.” And then, just like that, the moment was broken as he felt another of the lights within him begin to flicker and fade. He sighed, forcing himself to his feet as he heard a faintly disappointed, “One of the lights?”

“Yeah.”

“Think you’ll be able to come back after?”

“Maybe.” Probably not. They weren’t really meant to stay here beyond their duties and if he lingered again, they’d get caught. Geoff knew that as well as he did by this point.

“See you later then Ry.” He forced himself not to look back and meet Geoff’s gaze as he nodded, taking off moments later into the night sky.

\----

If hell truly did exist out of human folklore, it clearly took shape in the form of puberty.

“Gus is being a fucking dick.” He just about managed to repress the urge to sigh, knowing that Gus being a dick was usually code for an hour long rant on the general dickiness of one Gustavo Sorola until either Geoff ran out of steam, or Ryan was called away by one of his lights beginning to dim.

“Want to talk about it?” Geoff deflated a little at that, nodding as he dropped down next to Ryan in the grass.

“He just keeps fucking ditching me for those other guys.”

“Joel and Jason again?”

“And Barbara… she’s the new girl I mentioned last time.”

“Why’s he ditching you?”

“Fuck if I know…” Ryan quirked an eyebrow at that, “Okay maybe I know a little… I might’ve called him a crappy friend.”

“Why?”

“Well he is! He’s spending more time with those three now then he is with me!”

“Ever considered that’s because they’re not the ones pushing him away?”

“Fuck you Ryan.” But his tone was a little less aggravated than before which meant, at the very least, Geoff was still listening.

“If you keep insulting him whenever he spends time with them, you’re only going to drive him further away from you… Why not just talk to him about it?”

“I’m not talking to him until _he_ apologises.”

“For what?”

“For being a crappy friend!” The urge to sigh was practically irrepressible at this point.

“Just think about it… please? For me.” He received a glare for his troubles, but the muffled ‘fine’ moments made it worth it, as did the revelation a week later that he and Gus had managed to patch things up again and that Joel, Jason and Barbara weren’t actually that bad once you got to know them better.

Of course that hadn’t put an end to the near constant fights between them but, according to Burnie, that was just one of the ‘joys’ of growing up. Somehow, as far as Ryan was concerned at least, it didn’t seem particularly joyous...

Then again, he’d have happily taken a thousand petty fights between Geoff and Gus over the phase that almost immediately followed.

“So how are things going between you and-”

“Mark? Oh we broke up, guess we’d just grown apart.” Ryan stared a little incredulously at that.

“You were together for less than a week.”

“That time changes people Ryan.”

“ _What_ time?”

“We wanted different things, such is the way of love.”

“ _Please_ don’t act like an expert on relationships again Geoff.”

“ _Someone_ has to teach you these things Ry. You know, when a man and man love each other very mu-” He was cut off by a well-aimed cushion to the face, “Asshole.”

“Takes one to know one.” He offered back, dodging the cushion as it was hurled back across the room, “So who is it now?”

“Flynt... Coal.” He tried to mumble the last part so Ryan wouldn’t catch it, seemingly having failed to realise even after all these years that his hearing happened to be a little sharper than Geoff’s.

“He’s actually called _Flynt Coal_?”

“Don’t be a dick about it Ry.”

“This is even better than when you were dating Lavernius.”

“Hey. He mostly went by his surname and had a fucking _huge_ dick. I have no regrets.” And with that he flopped back against the bed, flipping Ryan off as he collapsed against the mattress.

“You’re so full of shit.”

“Least I’m full of something… Have you _seriously_ never-”

“We’re really still going over this?”

“Yeah we are-”

“This is like the name thing all over again.”

“So I’m completely in the right then and you should really listen to what I have to say.” Geoff looked up from his position on the bed, almost hopeful.

“Whose life have you been watching?” A better aimed cushion from Geoff this time, actually managing to catch his arm as it made its way across the room.

“You go by Ryan now don’t you?”

“...Whether I’ve had sex or not really isn’t the same as that though.”

“Why not? You’re attractive… I mean even with the glowy skin, black winged combo you’ve got going for you. Kind of makes you look… I dunno, exotic or something.”

“Exotic?” If he actually raised his eyebrow any further at this point it would probably start to hurt him because really, since when was an angel of death considered ‘exotic’.

“Kind of. Plus, with those wings, you could totally pull of the whole fallen angel thing.”

“You’re telling me Satan’s sexy?” Geoff’s lips quirked a little at that, obviously amused.

“To some people I guess but I was thinking more along the lines of… Hey baby, I think heaven must be missing an angel.”

“Oh god no.”

“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

“Please stop.”

“I think I can die happy now, because I’ve just seen a piece of heaven.”

“Please tell me these don’t actually work.”

“My hot date this Friday with Flynt begs to differ.” Geoff pointed out, waggled his eyebrows a little.

“Maybe Flynt’s just easy.”

“Maybe. Works out better for me if he is.” Ryan couldn’t help but grin a little at that.

“So what’s Gus’ verdict on this one then?”

“Less of an asshole than Edgar.”

“Everyone’s less of an asshole than Edgar.”

“...It’s sad that I can’t even think of a good argument against that.”

“Edgar was a dick. If Gus says this one’s less of an asshole, that’s a good step in the right direction.” Geoff pouted a little at that.

“Why do you always trust Gus’ opinions more than mine?”

“It helps that he’s not the one thinking with his dick in these situations.”

“Hey my dick’s pretty damn smart. It figured out it was gay waaay before most dicks do.”

“...I honestly don’t even know what to say to that.”

\----

It’d been a shock to say the least when Geoff had come to him one day and admitted that he wanted Ryan to actually meet one of the boys he’d been dating.

“You _do_ remember that most people can’t actually see me right?”

“A lot of people can though. That little girl at the park last week could.” And her light had dimmed later on that day. Being able to see him generally wasn’t a good thing.

“You really want to risk looking insane if _he_ can’t?” Geoff seemed to pause for a moment at that, clearly mulling over the pros and cons before shaking it off and launching back into his attempts to persuade him.

“He wouldn’t judge me for it anyway… he’s different Ry.”

“Well-”

“Plus Gus actually _likes_ him.” Ryan’s almost did a visible double take at that.

“He does?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’ve been seeing him for over a month now.”

“Uh huh.”

“And you’re absolutely sure he won’t get weirded out?”

“Positive.” He meant it too. Knowing Geoff for over ten years now had given him a pretty good gauge of when he was actually telling the truth and it was obvious that he wholeheartedly trusted this _Jack Pattillo_ … which actually made him _worth_ meeting in Ryan’s books because if Geoff had fallen in love with this guy and then he hurt him? Well, he imagined he’d finally be getting his answers as to exactly what the consequences were when he touched a light too soon...

“Okay, fine. I’ll meet him.”

“Thanks Ry.”

“If he can’t see me though, I reserve the right to leave you to flounder.”

“Nice to know I’ll always have your support to fall back on there asshole.”

\----

_He could see him._

The revelation made Ryan physically sick, even with the faint knowledge in the back of his mind that Jack’s light shone just as brightly as Geoff’s, was just as stable. Because the stability of any light was only ever temporary. Ryan had seen more than enough of them wither and fade to prove that. Even the brightest of the tiny infernos spiralling across his skin would darken one day. And Jack’s little light being as bright as it was now meant littler still in the grand scheme of things.

But even if the disembodied voice he’d come to loathe cared little for one insignificant light, Jack still mattered to Geoff. And _anything_ that mattered to Geoff, mattered to Ryan. Gus, Griffin, Joel, Jason. His secret love of cooking and not so secret appreciation for the cheesy movies he frequently subjected Ryan to. He’d changed his _name_ because it’d mattered to Geoff, of _course_ his first love mattered… because _Geoff_ mattered.

Geoff had been the only one that’d ever mattered.

And maybe Ryan mattered to Geoff too but… not nearly as much. _Jack_ mattered more. Because for all Ryan remained one of Geoff’s closest friends, Jack was something that already surpassed that in importance… _Different_ Geoff had called him. Ryan knew the kid well enough to know that was just about as close to a love confession as Geoff got.

Ryan was destined to kill Geoff’s first love.

It was a sobering thought to say the least, the kind of wakeup call he’d probably been long overdue by this point. There was a reason, after all, that beings like him weren’t _meant_ to grow attached.

_Geoff would never forgive him for taking Jack’s light away_. That shouldn’t matter to him as much as it did. That was the price of befriending death after all. Eventually, inevitably, someone you knew would get hurt at their hands. Ryan had simply always assumed that it’d be Geoff alone that he’d wind up hurting. He’d never ever thought to consider that he might hurt him through someone else first...

Somehow that was worse than simply knowing he’d been the kid’s executioner one day.

Now wasn’t the time to linger over these thoughts though. Not when Jack still looked a little pale and uneasy, not exactly a surprise given the stranger with glowing skin and huge hulking black wings that he probably hadn’t been expecting to see any more than Ryan had expected to be _seen_. And certainly not when Geoff was fixing him with a look that practically begged him to break the weird tension that’d formed the moment Jack had actually managed to meet his gaze.

“Hi there, I’m Ryan… I guess Geoff’s probably told you that.” A muted nod… okay, that probably wasn’t the best sign. Maybe Jack just had better survival instincts than Geoff did. Most people, after all, felt at least a little uneasy in his presence, especially when he wandered around in this form. Geoff had always been the exception rather than the rule in that respect, “And you’re Jack right? Geoff’s told me a lot about you.” He hesitated for a moment, grappling with the words that just weren’t quite there before finally admitting defeat with a, “Sorry, I’m not exactly good at this…”

“I’m not that good at it either so… it’s fine. And Geoff’s told me a lot about you too,” He must have caught the glimmer of surprise that briefly flitted across Ryan’s features because he was quick to add, “All good things, I promise.”

“Really? From Geoff?”

“Hey!”

“He told me you’ve been his best friend since he was eight, and that sometimes he feels like you’re the only one in the whole goddamn world who gives a damn. I think there might’ve been some stuff about hero worship in there too.” Ryan fell silent for a few moments, not quite sure how to respond to the sudden surge of warmth that began to swell within his chest.

“I always thought Gus was your best friend.” He finally managed, spinning on his heels to face Geoff.

“Gus likes to think he is… I dunno you’ve just always been there for me, even when he wasn’t, you know?” He looked away before he could start making false promises like ‘I always will be’ to the teen that was still, in many ways, a kid in Ryan’s eyes. And Ryan was _still_ yet to learn how to say no to those.

So instead he turned back to face Jack, mulling over his next words for a moment, before finally settling on a conspiratorial grin and the words, “I’m pretty sure Geoff’s never mentioned a name as much as he has yours over the last month. Gets this huge sappy grin on his face whenever he does… it’s almost _sickening_.”

“I tell you you’re my best friend and _this_ is how you repay me.”

“Honestly Geoff, you’ve known me for over ten years now. What exactly were you expecting?”

Whatever Geoff’s retort was going to be was cut off by the gentle hand Jack placed on his shoulder, the kid’s slightly exasperated expression immediately melting away to something so soft and vulnerable that Ryan suddenly felt like a rude intruder upon some private moment between them. Jack’s accompanying words to the action did make Ryan’s lips quirk a little though, “You know your best friend’s actually just earned you some major brownie points with me so maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on him, huh?”

“I guess not,” And then the two of them were kissing and… honestly, Ryan hadn’t meant to stare but he’d never really seen a kiss. Especially not this close. Kissing wasn’t exactly the number one pastime of the damned. Crying, he was familiar with, struggling, far more so than he’d like to be but… acts of love? He’d only ever really caught small glimpses of, scattered across the years, between lights oblivious to his presence. One’s that either weren’t his, or had failed to notice he’d one day be theirs, as he’d transported other lights away.

It felt a little surreal to know that these two lights _knew_ he was watching, and didn’t care. Or at least that if they did, it wasn’t about the fact that he was observing them so much as…

“ _Tell_ me you’ve at least been kissed.”

“We’re _still_ not dropping this?” Suddenly Ryan felt a very strong urge to smack his head against a brick wall.

“Does it really matter if he has been?” Both he and Geoff turned to Jack in surprise when a third voice cut in.

“Of course it matters-”

“But why?”

“Because-”

“It’s not as if you’re kissing him anytime soon-”

“I-”

“-So it’s not really any of your business who he kisses. Is it?” Geoff seemed to falter at that, gaping at Jack for a moment before reluctantly dropping the subject and okay, Ryan _definitely_ liked this kid if he had the power to put _Geoff Ramsey_ in his place. Clearly Jack caught the impressed look he shot his way too if the slight smirk that came to his lips was anything to go by.

“Why do I get the feeling that I’m going to regret introducing you guys?” There was an almost bemused smile coloring Geoff’s features though, his eyes lit up in a way the seemed to outshine even the brightest of the spirals along Ryan’s skin. The kid was probably the happiest he’d ever seen him and he knew he had Jack to thank for that.

He just hoped their budding romance, and the lights that sustained it, got to last at least a little bit longer than most.

\----

Jack, as it turned out, had become a near constant fixture in the meetings he shared with Geoff from there on out, the two kids rarely seen apart from what he could tell these days.

It was something he’d once imagined might have bothered him, the thought of having to share Geoff’s attentions with someone else, but Jack was in fact a welcome addition into Ryan’s relatively lonely existence. He had a quick enough wit to keep up with both him and Geoff and an easy going attitude that made it surprisingly easy to adapt to the idea of having him around.

He was also somewhat unnervingly perceptive.

“One of your lights is gone.”

“...What?”

“There used to be a small one, resting under your left eye… it’s gone now.”

“Oh.” He knew he probably sounded a little dense right now, but what else could he say to something like that, “I hadn’t realized you’d been keeping track of them.”

“Not all of them… pretty sure that’s impossible given how many there are. Do you have any idea-”

“Three hundred sixty-three billion, three hundred eighty-seven million, nine hundred nine thousand, two hundred and thirteen… at my last count anyway.” He tacked on the last part a little sheepishly after catching the look of surprise that brief passed across Jack’s features.

“See? There’s no way in hell I could track that many.”

“But you noticed this one?” Jack almost looked embarrassed now, though why he did Ryan couldn’t be more clueless. He didn’t know this kid the way he did Geoff after all, and the man in question was too busy sitting one of his finals to be of much use to him right now.

“It used to kind of... catch in the light sometimes when you smiled.” The kid finally admitted before pressing on, “That’s not the point anyway, I was just… wondering, is the disappearing normal?”

“Yeah. It’s really nothing to worry about it’s just…”

“Just?” Jack seemed hesitant as he asked, obviously convinced that he was probably overstepping his boundaries by doing so but… considering the fact that there was a light on Ryan’s left shoulder, burning just for him, he figured there probably weren’t boundaries to step over in the first place as far as this topic was concerned.

“Something that happens sometimes… every time I go to help someone actually.” A shadow seemed to pass over Jack’s expression for a moment, leaving a tense uneasy sort of energy to trace its path through Ryan’s frame.

“What happens when the last light goes out?” He’d fall into darkness.

“Honestly? I’m not sure.” Not a complete lie. No one had ever bothered, after all, to explain the details of exactly what this ‘darkness’ would entail.

“Well I guess with that many lights, we won’t have to worry about it anytime soon.” It suddenly struck Ryan that the tension he’d felt before had nothing to do with the consequences of those lights being extinguished, even though he strongly suspected Jack had long since figured out _exactly_ what those consequences were… No, he’d cared more about what the eventual fallout would be for _Ryan_.

Unnervingly perceptive and incomprehensibly selfless then… and honestly, Ryan couldn’t be more grateful for either because even if he never managed to voice what he was, until the day his and Geoff’s lights began to wither, Jack still _knew_. And even so, he accepted him without hesitation.

It was in that moment that Geoff ceased to be the only person that’d ever mattered, because how could Jack _not_ matter after a revelation like that.

\----

Ryan had only been vaguely familiar with the concept of polyamory before he’d first heard the name ‘Gavin Free’ mentioned by Geoff one night when he’d finally managed to find time to visit him and Jack. There’d been a considerable surge in the number of lights that’d faded lately, war, disease and a couple of ruthless dictators ensuring that a good portion of his lights were extinguished a lot sooner than they ever should’ve been.

He’d been more than a little relieved to sink to the grass beside the men (‘men’ since it seemed a little ridiculous to call them ‘kid’ or ‘boy’ when they were both well into their mid-twenties at this point), allowing all thoughts of the lights as a collective to fade out as, instead, he focused in on the two he could always sense, practically effortlessly now, always burning a little brighter than the rest.

It’d been then that they’d dropped the bombshell that there was someone else they’d like him to meet.

The shock hadn’t exactly come from the polyamory itself, since his vague familiarity with it was really no different to his grasp on _anything_ remotely romance orientated. It’d mostly just stemmed from his own personal sense of surprise. Surprise that he’d failed to notice the change in the two men’s countenances until now. How they smiled just that bit wider, and just a little longer, because Gavin, whoever he was, had obviously made them even happier than they’d been before.

It was enough to _already_ put him in good standings as far as Ryan’s opinion of the man was concerned.

And when he’d met the man just under a week later, he could indeed attest that Gavin was good for them. A little hyperactive, in a way that reminded Ryan of Geoff during those first few years of their friendship, and certainly loud, in a way that probably shouldn’t have been even remotely endearing, and yet somehow still was… but so obviously in love with both of the men he was dating that he could’ve had several extra limbs and spit fire and Ryan would still have approved.

Provided he’d have been a little concerned about the fate of the men’s new furniture, and even more so about the potential flammability of things other than brand new couches but… as long as these men who, at their core, would still always be Ryan’s boys were still happy in this hypothetical situation? He’d have kept that concern to himself… mostly. Perhaps he’d have gifted the trio an extinguisher or two if the spitting fire was a commonplace thing…

And now he was definitely getting carried away in his own analogies. It was a small blessing, he supposed, that for all the years they’d known each other, Geoff had never quite gotten a handle on the ability to read minds or he’d never have let him live that one down.

\----

Shortly after Gavin’s arrival, there’d been Michael and Ray.

They’d met them sometime between the July and August of that year and, last time Ryan had checked up on them, they’d been trying to figure out how best to broach the subject of three and two becoming five, since apparently just outright saying they were interested didn’t usually work out so well.

Ryan didn’t really understand why that was. Surely it was better to just be blunt and honest about emotions like this, and to gain a definite, decisive answer in response. It certainly would’ve spared these men a lot of Geoff’s agitated pacing, Jack’s frowning and Gavin’s near constant shifting about in his seat as the three had attempted to devise their plan of action.

He’d been about to attempt to reason with them about this once more when he’d suddenly felt four of his lights cry out at once, and with that he was gone, away to comfort the family whose road trip hadn’t quite ended in the way they’d planned.

And shortly after, a natural disaster had sent his lights swirling into a frenzy of flickering, dimming, extinguishing that’d kept him trapped halfway across the world from the men he practically considered akin to family at this point, were such a being as him allowed such a human construct.

It hadn’t been until late October that he’d managed to return to the home that he’d, somewhere along the line without him realizing, begun to think of as his as much as theirs.

It’d been a bit of a shock when someone unfamiliar had answered his knock at the door, the redhead’s eyes narrowing a fraction at the sight of him, “Who the fuck are you?”

“Ryan… I thought Geoff, Jack and Gavin lived here-”

“They do.” He must’ve said, or done, something wrong because suddenly the man’s tone was _twice_ as hostile as before, “So do me and Ray now, kind of a new development still at the moment but-”

“So you’re Michael?”

“And you’re that fucking ‘best friend’ who's been AWOL for the last two months.” Ryan opened his mouth to explain himself but something about the look he was levelled with in response made him keep his mouth shut, “I don’t need to hear any of your fucking excuses right now just… have you any fucking idea how worried they’ve been? Gav literally won’t fucking talk for hours after someone brings your name up. And we both know Gavin, he _never_ shuts up. And Jack kept fucking babbling about lights going out. Now I’m not gonna pretend I know what the fuck that means but whatever it was, it’s been freaking him the _fuck_ out. As for Geoff… it’s probably just easier to say he’s been a fucking wreck without you. They _all_ have.”

“There was an earthquake in-”

“What the fuck did I just say about excuses? It doesn’t fucking matter okay? What’s done is done. Jack told me you help people. Fine. I get it. But for fuck’s sake, at _least_ give one of these guys a call the next time you decide to fuck off with no warning, okay?” Ryan waited a moment for the horrible, churning guilt to finally settle in his gut before he nodded, “Good. Now get your fucking ass in here while I go wake them up.”

He knew he must’ve been gaping a little because Michael then added, “Whatever I think of you, and however much I’m tempted to slam this door in your fucking face… they care about you. And I care about them. So that means putting aside the fact that in my books you’re a piece of fucking shit and letting them finally get a good night’s sleep because fuck knows they need it at this point…” He moved aside a little to let Ryan in, a hand almost making contact with his skin in a way that had him lurching back from the contact and Michael rolling his eyes heavily at the gesture, “Look I’m not actually gonna punch you in the face unless you fucking earn it. Worry them like this again though, and a punch is going to be the fucking _last_ of your problems.”

And with that the redhead took off up the stairs, leaving a slightly shell shocked winged creature in his wake.

\----

As it turned out, Geoff actually _had_ almost punched Ryan in the face when he’d seen him, only seeming to remember the no touching rule in the last few seconds before his fist would’ve made contact.

He’d thrown several cushions at his head instead and, for things that were meant to bring humans extra comfort, they could definitely be surprisingly painful when thrown with the right trajectory. Ryan hadn’t tried to block them though, or retaliate for that matter. Fact was, as his little talk with Michael earlier had made him realize, he probably deserved a lot worse.

Eventually though, Geoff had seemed to run out of steam a final cushion being weakly aimed at his chest, accompanied with a soft, “Asshole,” from the man responsible. And moments later, there’d been a tentative, relieved smile on the man’s lips and all, it seemed, was forgiven.

Jack and Gavin had both been a lot less violent with their approaches (thankfully), the former taking a long moment to check over the lights that littered his body, lips pursing a little as he noted a patch on Ryan’s left ankle whose glow was a little more sparse than before… overall though, he’d just seemed relieved to see there were still lights at all. As for Gavin, he’d stared at Ryan for a long moment, even longer than Jack had, as if making absolutely certain that he wasn’t some kind of hallucination, before a small relieved grin crossed the man’s features, and a few of his probably made up words escaped the man’s lips.

Ray had been the last to approach him, obviously a little out of his depth when suddenly faced with the stranger who’d arrived at his home in the middle of the night, and clearly lacking the hostility Michael had possessed to drive him through that first encounter.

He’d instead seemed to settle for making as many jokes as he could to alleviate the residual tension in the room, in a way that Ryan found vaguely reminiscent of Geoff when he’d been going through his string of flings and god awful chat ups lines… And just like that, Ryan found himself liking this guy. He could see why he’d be a good fit for the group. Great sense of humor, as much wit as any of them, but obviously the kind of man who was also serious, about the things that _really_ mattered.

And anyone with eyes could see _exactly_ what, or rather who, those things were.

He approved, Ryan decided. Of both him and Michael, since anyone willing to stand up to a glowing, winged stranger and tell them to get their shit together for the sake of the men they loved was pretty damn great for said men in Ryan’s books.

And Ryan _would_ get his shit together if it meant never having to see that quiet moment of vulnerability in Geoff’s eyes when he’d half barrelled down the stairs the way he hadn’t seen him do in _years_ now, that obvious raw pain in the moments before it’d turned to anger where Ryan had been able to see just how deeply his absence had cut the man that, for all that he was no longer the _only_ person that mattered in Ryan’s existence, _still_ mattered _most_ …

He probably always would too, long after that light burning in the centre of his palm had faded to darkness.

\----

It’d been gradual at first, in such a way that Ryan hadn’t even realized it was happening, hadn’t realized he’d been slowly but surely moving in, until there’d been a small piece of metal dropped into his open palm, the sharp look he was given from the one who gave it making it damn clear that he _would_ be making use of it, and _often._

A key to their home… It’d been a surprise to say the least that _Michael_ had been the one to give it.

Then again, it wasn’t as if the giving of that key had been immediate. It’d taken a good few months of not ‘fucking off somewhere’ for Ryan to even _begin_ to make amends, in Michael’s eyes at least. But little by little, as they spent more time around the other men together, and thus more time in each other’s company, Ryan found that he was gradually able to chip away a little at the rage the redhead seemed to have built up around him where _he_ was concerned, and getting to know a little more about the man his boys had fallen in love with as a result of that.

All the same, even with Michael gradually coming around to the idea of his continued presence as something other than a sacrifice made on the behalf of those he loved, Ryan had _far_ from been expecting _this_.

He hadn’t hesitated to accept it though, something that the redhead had obviously approved of given the rare smile that’d been sent his way when he did. Not that Michael never smiled, it was just extremely rare that those smiles were directed at _him_ , even as they begun to find some common ground between them.

And Ryan found himself smiling back as he’d slotted the key into the lock, the metal sliding in and twisting with ease that confirmed to Ryan with somewhat irrefutable proof that he was, in fact, welcome here, the same way he’d never truly been welcome anywhere else.

The revelation had been a little overwhelming to say the least.

As days turned to weeks turned to months though, Ryan found himself growing used to the strange sort of domesticity that arose from sharing a home with five humans. He began to grow accustomed to the meals Geoff would cook, to learn exactly how Gavin took his coffee (ridiculously strong) and to always have a rough idea of exactly which ‘achievements’ Ray was working towards in whichever video games had caught his eye that week. He learned the places Jack went when he needed a little space to himself, and exactly how to derail the other men from attempting to seek him out, and had somehow managed to fall into a prank war with Michael that neither party seemed willing to concede defeat in.

Sometimes it almost became possible for him to forget his duties that always, eventually, inevitably drew him away from his home, and from them.

But inevitably a light would flicker and dim and Ryan would be forced to take off, the gradually vanishing light another grim reminder of his boys’ own mortality, and _his_ own inevitable role in bringing about it’s termination…

These days, more than ever, Ryan found himself despising the voice that’d ‘gifted’ him this role.

\----

“You okay Ry?” Ryan blinked, a voice that would never be anything but familiar startling him out of some regretful thoughts he’d been having about the new born he’d been forced to carry out of his sleeping mother’s arms earlier that day.

“Mostly.”

“Tough day helping people?”

“Some people shouldn’t _have_ to be helped.” There was a surprising amount of understanding in the man’s gaze for a moment, surprising and honestly a little worrying considering the large part of Ryan still desperate to shield Geoff’s ‘innocence’ from the horrors associated with his particular line of work… the look passed though, replaced with an almost smile he was sure was _meant_ to be reassuring.

Meant to be because, for all the smile was relatively comforting, the nervous shifting about on the couch next to him was considerably _less_ so.

“Are _you_ okay Geoff?”

“Of course I am. I’m okay as dicks.” Ryan’s eyebrows rose in a disbelieving arch at that, but by this point in their relationship he knew better than to push the subject. If Geoff wanted to tell him whatever it was that was bothering him, he would do eventually.

“Is this you admitting that you have an ‘okay’ dick.”

“You know that’s not what I meant-”

“Because I never thought I’d see the day-”

“You’re such an ass Ry-”

“-where Geoff Lazer Ramsey claimed to have anything other than the world’s _biggest_ dick.”

“You see, all I heard of that was ‘Geoff’ and ‘world’s biggest dick’.”

“Don’t put yourself down like that Geoff, I’m sure there’s at least one person out there who’s a bigger asshole than you.”

“Yeah, he’s sitting right next to me.” Ryan grinned a little at that. And the weird tension Geoff seemed to be carrying with him might not have quite left his shoulders yet, but at least he was smiling back, “Hey Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you ever manage to get that first kiss we talked about before?”

“You’re seriously still not over that? You know, for someone dating four other men you’re waaay too invested in my love life Geoff.” His teasing response didn’t get the reaction he’d expected though, the tentative smile that’d curled Geoff’s lips before slipping away as something a little more uneasy took its place.

“Probably.” He finally responded, “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you always avoid answering that question though.”

“Okay fine… I’ve never been kissed. Still. Doesn’t exactly come as a part of the job description-”

“Of helping people?”

“You know it’s not as simple as that.” There was a horrible moment of silence and then Geoff nodded, ever so slightly, and confirmed some of Ryan’s greatest fears in doing so.

“Yeah I do… doesn’t mean that I think what you do is any less fucking incredible.”

“Geoff… I kill people.”

“No. People kill people, _you_ help those people pass on.”

“That’s a nice way of looking at it.”

“It’s the _only_ way of looking at it.”

“Geoff there’s a _reason_ one of these lights goes out every time I ‘help’ someone.” Geoff seemed to finally fall quiet at that, though the sudden painful churning in his gut meant it couldn’t quite feel like a victory, “Whenever I try to ‘help’ someone, one of them fades, the moment I intervene, and _that’s_ how I _know..._ it’s me who’s killing them. Because they might be dimming before I get there but it’s _me_ who extinguishes them Geoff. It’s _always_ me. Every single one of these lights, even the ones not born yet, is going to fizzle out one day. And _I’m_ going to be the one to do it because _that’s_ what I am Geoff. Not some kind of hero who helps people but a monster. There’s a reason, after all, that most people are _scared_ when they see me… ” He trailed off, deflating a little as he sank against the couch cushions for what would probably be the last time. Because Geoff wouldn’t want him here after this, would he? And yet…

“How is comforting people in their final moments _not_ helping them though. If there’s one thing you don’t quite get about being human, it’s that no one in the whole damn fucking world wants to die alone… you make sure they don’t have to.”

“Geoff that’s-”

“No. You’ve said your piece, now fucking let me say mine. I _know_ you Ryan. I’ve known you since I was eight years old and if I’ve always known _anything_ about you, it’s that you care about people. Hell, the first time I saw you was because you were giving that woman across the street a chance to say goodbye, weren’t you?”

“I-”

“And you had that whole fluffy winged, halo getup to make her feel safer towards the end. Don’t even _try_ to bullshit me with an _anyone_ would do that because I _know_ that idea came from you.” Geoff seemed a little gratified when Ryan made no move to protest his point, because the truth was he was _right…_ about the traditional angel facade he often adopted at least. Others of his kind had always seemed to view his practise with scorn since it added unnecessary time to the process of ‘getting the job done’.

There was a good reason that, save for a handful of exceptions, he’d never exactly gotten on with his species.

“Plus there’s the fact that your first reaction to an eight year old wandering up and asking to be friends wasn’t the words _fuck off_. Instead you talked to me, kept paying me visits even though I’m _certain_ you weren’t meant to. You coached me through fucking _puberty_ and actually took an interest in the men I’d fallen in love with. You’re not a monster Ryan. Hell, you probably care more than anyone else in this whole goddamn world. And I think the people you take care of _know_ that. Even when they scared, or struggling against the idea of passing on, they _know_ it’ll be okay. Because _you’re_ the one taking care of them and you actually give a damn.”

“I’ll have to take care of you one day.”

“I know. And believe it or not, that actually makes me _less_ afraid of death.”

“But Geoff-”

“Because you’ve already been taking care of me, most of my goddamn life… I know I’ll be in safe hands when the time comes.” Ryan closed his eyes, not quite able to handle the raw sincerity in Geoff’s gaze right now because _how_ could he mean this, when he knew Ryan was to be his executioner one day.

“How can you... know what I do, and still see me this way?”

“Because I love you.” And suddenly Ryan’s eyes were wide open, his breath catching a little in his throat at Geoff’s blunt statement that seemed to have surprised the man in question, as much as it had him, “Though of course I needed Jack to point that out for me. I’ve always been a little dense when it comes to-”

“You love me?”

“Yeah.” And then Geoff was moving closer, leaving Ryan to practically fall off the couch in his attempts to get away because had the man _really_ managed to somehow miss exactly why the no contact rule had been established in the first place? Apparently so given the sudden look of hurt making its way across Geoff’s features.

“There’s a good reason for the no contact rule Geoff!” And just like that, hurt turned to annoyance as Geoff once again began to stalk closer.

“What’s that? Your fear of getting attached? We both know we’re long past that.”

“Try my fear of you fucking dying,” Geoff’s footsteps faltered at that, “The only contact I’ve ever had with humans has ended in their lights fading out and for all I know, that’s the only way it _can_ end. And I will _not_ extinguish yours too soon just because you wanted to kiss me. And just because _I_...”

“What?”

“...Wanted that too.” Geoff’s eyes seemed to soften a little at that.

“You know, were the circumstances a little different, I’d probably be laughing at how much we sound like fucking teenagers right now.” Ryan weakly scoffed a little at that, “Well… even if we can never touch each other, at least we know right?”

“Yeah… I love you too by the way, in case there was ever any doubt.”

“There wasn’t much… nice to hear all the same though.” There was a long moment of silence, Geoff seeming to deliberate something before carefully placing a hand on Ryan’s clothed shoulder, the touch barely there at first but gradually growing a little firmer when nothing detrimental started happening, “And I guess at least there’s this.”

Ryan nodded, not daring to mirror the gesture with the hands that’d dimmed so many lights before Geoff, instead embracing him in the only way he could as he curled his right palm around the bright light burning at its centre, still a thousand times brighter than any of the others that clustered around it, still the most important of all the lights emblazoned across his skin, “Yeah, there is.”

Neither said it, but they both knew it wasn’t enough.

\----

It was strange to think how a small eternity could be formed in the space of a few inches of distance, a flimsy layer of fabric, the distance it took to hurl a cushion across the room… And perhaps stranger still that it’d taken Ryan this long to discover the concept.

After all, in terms of physicality at least, things were exactly the same as they’d always been between him and these men. The no contact rule was still in full effect, Jack and Ray in particular going out of their way to give him _more_ space in the aftermath of the certain revelations his and Geoff’s little talk had brought about (because of course he should’ve realized the rest of these fuckers would’ve been listening in at the door). They didn’t avoid him. Far from it, they made a point of keeping him company as much as possible but… at the same time they respected his rules, why he kept them, and had attempted as much as they could to make this easier on him.

It was something Ryan found himself eternally grateful for, especially with Geoff, Gavin and Michael near constantly attempting to push the boundaries as far as closing the distance, and finding creative ways around physical contact went. Of course, he mostly attempted to dissuade _these_ endeavors but… somewhere along the line Geoff had managed to find himself the two people in the whole goddamn world who could be just as stubborn as he could.

And when inevitably tag teamed by Gavin’s pout, Michael’s wide eyes and the ‘make-Ryan-do-shit-for-me’ face that Geoff had somewhat perfected over the years of gradual manipulation… well it was pretty goddamn hard for Ryan to say no to that. And fucking hell didn’t they know it.

He’d lost count at this point of the amount of times he’d felt body heat radiate a little too close for comfort, or idle hands almost trace where they shouldn’t be if they actually wanted to keep their hands, or limbs, or any part of their existence that wasn’t the blazing ball of light that ignited their core... Always as a result of their little tests.

There was no talking any of them out of it though. The trio fancied themselves ‘lab rats’ in some great experiment of some kind by this point and no amount of his, Jack’s or Ray’s attempts to intervene had been able to talk them down from it.

Perhaps he’d have even found it endearing how the three weren’t willing to give up on him if not for the fact that in doing so, they were practically taunting the voice who’d assigned Ryan this role, tempting it… It’d only be a matter of time until the voice repaid them in kind with a swift execution.

Then there was the rapidly waning part of Ryan’s own restraint to contend with. The part that had so desperately yearned to reach across the space to whichever man was closest and take their hand, press his lips to their cheek, or forehead, the way he’d seen them do countless times to each other. He wanted to know what Jack’s infamous hugs really felt like, or feel Gavin sprawl across _his_ lap at the end of a long day. Wanted Michael’s little drunken bursts of affection, or simply to relax next to Ray on the couch, the man’s warmth firm and reassuring against his own. More than anything he wanted Geoff to give him that goddamn fucking kiss he’d been making such a big deal about all these years.

It fucking _hurt_ to know he’d never have a hope in, perhaps not so non-existent, hell of ever being on the receiving end of _any_ of that. Not without killing the men he’d come to care for so deeply with every fibre of his very being.

That had _never_ been an option. Not from the moment Geoff had managed to stubborn his way into Ryan’s lonely existence.

And so he kept his hands, wings, and all other limbs to himself and pretended to the men he lived with that he was content with that, with simply being with them. Because even their company at a strictly regulated distance was better than no company at all.

\----

It was just after he’d delivered a sedate, elderly man’s light onto it’s second life that he’d felt a vaguely familiar presence settle beside his own.

“Michael?”

The man chuckled, the lights across his skin seeming to glow that much brighter as he did in a flurry of warmth before they settled once more, “You know I haven’t actually gone by that name in years _James._ ”

“You’re still going by _Burnie_ then?”

“ _You’re_ still going by Ryan, a name picked out for you by a thirteen year old kid who thought your name wasn’t cool enough.”

“Well yours was picked out by a five year old because you’re skin looked all ‘burny’, kind of like fire.”

“So basically we’re both sentimental idiots.”

“Sounds about right.” They shared a brief smile, something within Ryan lifting a little as he remembered exactly why it was that Burnie had always been the exception to the rule of him despising his ‘co-workers’ (for lack of a better term). Because Burnie had always cared about his lights, just as much as Ryan did, “What brings you to this part of the neighborhood?”

“Mostly just checking in to make sure the dumbass that named me’s not managed to get his light extinguished in the last week or so… Seriously, who the fuck walks through several alley ways alone at night just because someone _mentioned_ going to Vegas?”

“To be honest, I wouldn’t put it past Geoff either. Stubborn as hell, no wonder those two have stuck together all these years.”

“Yeah no kidding… Those kids are going to be the death of us.”

“Probably.” Another wider smile as Burnie rested a companionable hand on Ryan’s shoulder, one that left him having to repress his own bitterness at how comparatively easy it was for Burnie to make such a gesture towards him… Clearly his expression must’ve given something away, or perhaps the man had simply known a little more about Ryan’s situation than he’d let on, because moments later and he was retracting the hand as if it’d been singed by some invisible flame, an apologetic look briefly darting across his features.

“You know the voice is pretty pissed you’re spending so much time down here these days.”

“The voice can go fuck itself.”

“Pretty sure the voice is more of an entity than anything-”

“It can still go and suck it’s own metaphorical dick.” Burnie grinned at that.

“So Michael’s obviously been a good influence on you then.”

“Well he’s been _an_ influence… In all seriousness though, I’m so fucking _tired_ of what the voice wants from me at this point. It’s already made it my _duty_ to take the lights of the men I’m pretty damn sure I’m in love with, even if I’m not entirely sure we’re meant to be _capable_ of that emotion and as much as I _despise_ that… I have no choice. I’ve accepted that. In return, surely it can at _least_ let me have this.”

“Ryan, both us of know the voice canbe a bit of a… well, a huge fucking dick.” Ryan’s lips quirked into a wry grin at that, “But that being said, it could be a lot worse I mean… you should hear how badly it’s screwed over some of the _other_ bearers.”

“Somehow I don’t think that’s gonna comfort me all that much.”

“Maybe not… but certain people _might_ have wanted you to hear it so-” Ryan narrowly repressed a sigh, giving Burnie a vague gesture to go ahead as he mentally braced himself for the worst.

“You’re familiar with the human folklore surrounding Lucifer right?” He blinked a little in surprise at the choice of conversation topic, not exactly having anticipated _that_ as the kind of topic the voice would want heard, “Well not all those tales were _completely_ unfounded. Once upon a time, he was like us. In fact, he was the _only_ one of us. That’s why he was called the ‘light bringer’ or ‘light bearer’. He bore every light that was, is or would ever be and thus shone brighter than any would dare to behold.”

Ryan closed his eyes for a moment, attempting to visualize such a man and finding that even the most creative of his imaginings probably fell short of the glow he must’ve once emitted, the warmth, the sense of a connection shared by all throughout the universe… And immediately he pitied the man. Because feeling that strength of a connection to so many must’ve made every loss that much more hollow and unbearable as, day by day, his lights continued to fade.

“So what happened to him?”

“He grew particularly fond of one of his charges. One who didn’t fear him, or worship him, but treated him as an equal. He loved her and so, when her light began to waver, he refused to extinguish her flame.”

“...I didn’t know it was even possible to do that.”

“Until recently, neither did I… But he did and in doing so the voice was left with a dilemma. Leave this light and all the lights that followed burning, or allow someone else to finish the job… so he created several other bearers and they guided her on to the second life.” Ryan stared at Burnie in horror, breath catching in his throat that suddenly felt a lot tighter than before. Suddenly his own situation didn’t seem nearly as bad because as much as he hated the thought of him extinguishing his boys’ lights, the thought of someone else taking his lights _from_ him somehow seemed so much worse.

“So the story’s basically a threat right? Do your job or I’ll find someone else to do it for you. How _charitable_ of it.” When he turned to meet Burnie’s gaze, however, it wasn’t regret or guilt, but an obvious sense of frustration that seemed to be currently dominating the man’s features.

“The story doesn’t end like you’re thinking it does Ry. Lucifer wasn’t left around to mourn her.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when Lucifer never returned to his duties he was deemed unfit for the job. So, in refusing a direct order from the voice, he severed himself from all the lights that were tethered to him-”

“So he fell into darkness?” _Great_ , his prospective future just kept on getting better and better didn’t it?

“Not quite. He fell, that much is true, and his lights were passed on to the new bearers but… he didn’t _truly_ fall into darkness.” Burnie looked at Ryan expectantly, clearly waiting for him to make some important connection that he’d obviously failed to grasp, before the man finally admitted defeat and added, “Or perhaps he did by _some_ definition of the phrase since _all_ of those we protect exist in the dark. That’s why our kind exists in the first place. A light to guide them into the brighter realm beyond.”

So he became human. He became _human_ , just by refusing to do his job, and none of his lights had suffered for it. They’d simply been passed on to more suitable candidates and… Suddenly Ryan understood _exactly_ why Burnie was telling him this story.

“So basically he refused to fulfil his duty and in doing so he fell.”

“Well, he’d already kind of _fallen_ hadn’t he? I guess it made sense to him to complete the process.”

“Yeah... I guess it did.”

\----

He shouldn’t even be considering this.

Burnie’s story about Lucifer wasn’t necessarily true, and even if it was there were no guarantees that he’d interpreted it correctly when he’d assumed what it was his friend had been trying to say. That Ryan could fall, could become human himself, could be with the men he loved… so long as he relinquished his duties first.

And sure, it was a pretty huge reward if it actually _worked_ , but the risk of leaving so many lights abandoned and lost to the dark made him waver a little over his choice, waver as he watched over the young couple whose lights were due to falter in mere seconds.

He should be donning his usual, fluffier, persona and preparing to comfort these lights, to protect them… and yet here he stood, frozen to the spot and he considered the possibilities of just walking away instead and leaving the duty to someone else.

Michael had almost caught his arm today. Just a simple brush of arms that should’ve been harmless but could well have killed the redhead, had Jack not been there to immediately intervene. If he’dinterpreted Burnie right, he might never have to worry about that happening again.

If he’d interpreted him wrong, he’d be leaving this couple to flounder in the dark.

Gavin had gotten a little quieter lately. Apparently it’d been because of the fact that he’d thought Ryan was avoiding him, when in fact it was more in the attempts to avoid his attempts to close the distance between them as much as was possible. Most of the time, Geoff and Michael knew when to stop… Gavin didn’t seem to have the same survival instincts. If he’d interpreted Burnie right, that wouldn’t matter as much soon enough.

If he’d interpreted him wrong, it wouldn’t just be _this_ couple he’d be leaving in the dark.

Sometimes he forgot that the distance was affecting Ray as much as the others. Between Gavin, Michael and Geoff’s obvious frustrations and Jack’s, slightly subtler brand of empathy, Ray’s quieter longing was often harder to see. He hid it well with humor and a carefree mask he wore a little _too_ well, something Ryan strongly suspected was a result of some kind of bullying in the past. But then there were moments when the cracks in the mask showed and in those moments in suddenly became almost impossible for him to keep his distance. If he’d interpreted Burnie right, he wouldn’t have to.

If he’d interpreted him wrong, even the ones he’d be doing this for would be lost to the darkness.

He and Jack had actually talked about it before. The possibilities of a world where Ryan had been born just a little less lethal to the touch. Neither of them had meant to raise the topic, but once they’d started it seemed almost impossible to stop. Picturing a world without strictly enforced contact codes and awkward empty spaces, where lights were just things in the sky or that you hung on a ‘festive’ tree once a year. If he’d interpreted Burnie right, all of their imaginings of that world wouldn’t have to be hypothetical anymore.

If he’d interpreted him wrong there’d be no lights at all, simply the darkness that he’d always been destined to fall into in the end.

Geoff loved him.

If he’d interpreted Burnie right, they could be together. If he’d interpreted Burnie right, they could _all_ be together with no irreversible consequences, and no regrets.

If he’d interpreted him wrong, he probably wouldn’t still exist to _have_ regrets.

If he did nothing… those regrets would be inescapable.

In the end, there’d never really been another decision he could’ve reached. If Burnie had been right, if _Ryan_ was right, there was a light in the darkness that shone brighter than almost all of the ones littered across his skin, even brighter than the little one burning bright and warm against the centre of his palm. And that light was hope.

The lights began to flicker, to dim… Ryan turned his back and walked away.

\----

Ryan wasn’t entirely sure how he’d ended up where he was, but wherever it happened to be it felt warm and soft and sort of springy so he figured he could probably work out the rest later.

“-found him collapsed across the street. He was mumbling something but we didn’t get there in time to figure out what it was.”

“We actually didn’t recognise him at first, but our little girl’s pretty sure he lives here so-”

“He does, thank you. We’ll take him from here.” That third voice sounded sort of familiar, though why Ryan couldn’t quite figure out. The slight waver in the voice’s tone though sounded undeniably _wrong_. That voice wasn’t meant to have that waver, of that Ryan was certain… even if he wasn’t quite certain of anything else right now.

“Let us know if he wakes up.”

“We will.” The sound of some footsteps fading away and then, “I’ll be okay Jack. I think the lads probably need you more than I do and… to be honest, I think I’d like a little time alone right now.” There were some faint sounds of protest but ultimately this ‘Jack’ seemed to concede the voice’s point, if the slight creak of a door closing moments later was anything to go by.

Moment later the springs were shifting, the warmth at his side suddenly a little warmer as the voice, closer this time, but also softer began to speak, “Look, I don’t know what you did you stubborn fucking bastard. I don’t know how everyone can see you now, or where the fuck the lights went, or _you_ went for the last week for that matter but… all of that’s forgiven so long as you open your fucking eyes okay? Because your wings are gone too and… Jack used to think that once all your lights were gone, that was it... But _we_ were your lights so... that _can’t_ be what’s happening here. You told me there was a light in your palm with my fucking name on it and… I’m still here. So wake the fuck up you fucking asshole.” He felt something wet land on his cheek, small but somehow so important in spite of that, or perhaps even because of it. Scale didn’t dictate importance after all.

And it’d always been the little things, as far as Ryan was concerned, that’d been the most important…

_Geoff_.

His eyes shot open as reality punched him squarely in the jaw, leaving him a little breathless as he shifted a little to take in Geoff’s pale, slightly blotchy and obviously tired looking expression that was somehow still the most remarkable thing he’d ever seen and… Geoff looked like he wasn’t entirely sure whether he wanted to punch Ryan or kiss him and was only narrowly resisting both because those were the rules they’d both been forced to live by all these years.

But Geoff had said before that the lights and his wings were gone and… surely the couple that’d found him on the side of the road must’ve made contact with his skin at some point in efforts to drag him here, mustn’t they? Which must mean…

“Geoff,” There was a moment of silence that seemed to exist in its own eternity, where Ryan tentatively reached out to brush the back of Geoff’s hand with his own, the man in question barely daring to flinch as he did.

_Nothing happened._

Well nothing lethal at least. In actual fact, the moment skin met skin a trail of goose bumps shot up along Ryan’s arms, and Geoff’s expression turned from a frustrated but determined sort of restraint to something resembling a mixture of shock and wonder. Ryan could practically feel his new, human, pulse’s erratic beating in that moment as he allowed his touch to linger, hand ever so carefully and cautiously sliding to tangle with Geoff’s own, their fingers easily slotting together in a way that could only ever feel natural and intensely _right_ and…

Geoff was okay. Geoff was okay and very much alive if the pulse he could faintly feel beating along with his own was anything to go by. Burnie had been right, _Ryan_ had been right, and Geoff was okay and they were _touching_.

Ryan couldn’t be certain who’d moved first, only that moments later there were lips on his, soft and cautious, hands softly cradling Ryan’s cheeks, as if he, or the moment, might shatter if Geoff clung too tightly… And then suddenly, as Ryan’s arms moved to pull the man in a little closer, the mood seemed to _shift_ slightly, the kiss suddenly harsh and unrelenting, hands dragging along his back, his chest, his arms before finally tangling in his hair as Geoff practically plastered himself to every part of Ryan he could.

And though lacking the experience the man in his arms had, Ryan kissed back just as fiercely, hands desperately clinging to Geoff’s back as he pulled the older man closer still, forcing him into Ryan’s lap which, if the faint growl that escaped the man’s lips was anything to go by, Geoff seemed to heartily approve of as he began to trail hot, wet kisses along Ryan’s suddenly, amazingly sensitive neck and _fuck_ okay he really liked whatever it was Geoff was doing with his tongue right now and-

“Holy shit.” The two of them turned to find an obviously shocked looking Michael, though not so much that a light smirk hadn’t made its way to his features as he waved the others in.

“You know Geoff when you told me you needed a little alone time with Ryan, this wasn’t _exactly_ what I thought you had in mind.”

“Don’t be a jealous little bitch Jack, just because I got to kiss him first.”

“I call dibs on kissing him second.”

“You can’t call dibs on kissing a person Ray.”

“No _you_ can’t because you didn’t think of it first Gav. Maybe if Michael and Jack are feeling nice they’ll let you go third.”

“Like hell I’m doing that. I’ve waited the longest out of all of you fuckers.”

“Jaaaack.”

“And there’s no fucking way I’m going last.”

“But Micoo.” Ryan narrowly repressed the laughter that threatened to escape as the men around him launched into some sort of weird contest over who exactly got to kiss Ryan when. It was probably the most ridiculous thing he’d heard in all the years he’d known these men, maybe longer… but at the same time, it was strangely perfect.

He guessed Burnie had also been right when he’d called him a sentimental idiot… Though with Geoff still practically plastered to his chest, and the sounds of amicable bickering filling the air, Ryan found he didn’t mind so much if he was.

\----

The last thing Ryan felt in his first life was a sudden rush of golden light enveloping his very being and a kind voice telling him that his time in this realm had ended, the way he’d always known it would. That it was time to pass on.

Ryan hadn’t been afraid though, not with the five other warm comforting lights at his side, burning brighter than he’d ever seen them, and not with the promise Burnie had then made them that wherever it was they were going, they’d go together. His old friend had actually pulled a fair few strings to ensure it. The last thing Ryan had seen in his first life was Burnie’s parting smile.

The first thing Ryan ever felt in his second life was a sudden surge of love from the five men at his side, and the tantalizing promise of an eternity that was now theirs.

In the place where there _truly_ was no darkness.


End file.
